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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Relevance of Love, Respect and Patience in modern familial situations- A Men’s day special.

There have been a lot of studies commissioned to ascertain the causes of family breakdowns, divorces, etc., but without going into those results we can summarise that Love, Respect and Patience are the three prime factors which make a family tick. When at least these three prevail in a relationship, issues and conflicts resolve at the earliest and the bond finds new thresholds and heights of synergy. If these factors are eclipsed or are absent, even silly ego clashes and difference of opinions lead to irreparable ruptures in relationships, including litigations and other court matters.

So it is arguable that in these times of super efficiency and high-strung performance anxieties, we need to balance the paucity of time for each other by deliberately taking out time to acknowledge each others role and importance in building up a successfully satisfying family; a family where someone is a father, a mother, daughter, a son, a brother, a sister, etc. While historically many of our societies have acknowledged women’s contributions and importance in sustaining a progressive society, acknowledging men was not considered necessary because of various reasons including chivalry itself. In these modern times this deliberate step of acknowledging a man’s role is also very important, just like acknowledging women on women’s day.

Several countries already have a practice of celebrating men’s day, this year ‘Save Indian Family’ along with ‘Hallmark’, one of the leading greeting card companies in India, have decided to mark November 19th as the first International Men’s day celebration in India.

Here are some images which could bring out the necessity of International Men’s day: Men toiling under the wrath of the hot sun, inhaling noxious exhaust all through the day only for returning home to be with his beloveds, and to ensure that all the members have enough supplies to survive on, to be happy even if he has to scorch himself this way for a lifetime. Men selflessly putting themselves in the line of duty and fire to defend their country and hence thousands of its citizens, who do not even acknowledge his contributions and sacrifice. Men making a living amongst inhospitable conditions like furnaces, oil rigs, deserts, hazardous waste management, toxic sewage, nuclear plants, and other high risk occupations, doing these only following certain values of ‘providing’, ‘sacrificing’, selflessly toiling and silently bearing the brunt.

I asked some close associates in the opposite sex about why there should at all be a men’s day these were the reactions. From the infant stage the stress of getting into diapers and restricting themselves into the damp contours till the time of relief, to the crammed school commute in rickshaws or buses, it seems that boys are more susceptible to the stress factors. This observation is well backed by the lowering of the age for heart attacks among males, which now a days is not uncommon at the age of even thirty five!. Another observation was simply that they deserve a men’s day just because they are the ones who get entangled in the cross fire between a mother in law and a daughter in law, but I thought aloud why cannot these ladies cease to have a cross-fire at all! . Anyway it was a majority of approvers after the initial cynicism faded away into realisation that indeed men need a day to relax and to feel good that the world has finally decided to acknowledge his efforts and existence.

Centuries of social conditioning aid in sustaining this seemingly obscure behaviour of self-destruction; and this has been one of the most important traits of man throughout the history of mankind. Roles of men and women has evolved with the need of the times, and its still evolving in the modern era of ‘Knowledge’ where most of the jobs are knowledge based and not based on physical strength. Nevertheless the jobs which still has to be done manually, which has an element of risk and physical strength to it, gets done by men by and large- the responsibilities which they discharge without even batting an eyelid, owing to the same social-conditioning and inherent traits of putting oneself in the line of fire.

It is natural that nothing but spectacular or nail-biting gets noticed in this world, the same limitations of public perception paves way to the discounting and almost discrediting of the efforts by men. When a man does his duties, as per the social situation he is in, it is just that he is fulfilling the bare necessities of his existence. All said and done he neither gets appreciation nor acknowledgement for what he does in his lifetime, and since a man is not supposed to cry in desperation he is short-changed in that department too!

Earlier when men were supposed to defend kingdoms, farms, hamlets, households, dignity of his womenfolk, etc., may be expressions of love were in the form of social status, reverence and fear offered by the rest of the society. But this we are talking about millennia back in time, but in these times of ‘knowledge’ how do people acknowledge and appreciate each other, what other than ‘expressions of love’, an almost equivalent to a hug, a day earmarked for somebody who needs a hug. But again it is universally wondered why man needs a day to acknowledge him, its almost like on one day you have women’s day and all other days in an year are for men. This is as fallacious as saying; all the unsold toffees are there for the shop owner to enjoy! . Unless one is hugged, the person remains un-hugged; there is no shortcut to this road.

Connecting all these impressions to the familial situation that is prevailing in our society these days is also important. The way young men and women have dearth of respect and patience, if not love, in their relationship as a couple, it is almost imminent that more single parenting situations arise, a rise of a father-less society to be specific, given the inclination of our judiciary and society- denying fathers the rights of the children and thereby actually denying children their fathers. Again there have been numerous studies, the result of which is not oblivious to common wisdom too, that single parenting leads to behavioural aberrations in children and which in turn leads them to be adults with major personality disorders. Do we owe this to our children, a reality worse than ours?

An even daunting extension of the above scenario is the specter of fragmented families not in touch with each other, leading to even marriages among biological brothers and sisters. This is not at all figment of anyone’s imagination since these scenarios have already manifested themselves, almost extensively, in the western world, who are unfortunately the fore-runners of this scenario too. The moot question before us, as a nation proud of its families as strong building blocks, is that whether we would want to ape the west even in the way their societies have disintegrated into total anarchy. If not, why don’t we sit up and take lessons from the way they have disintegrated, and what to be beware of, what the west has painfully realised and is taking up as first-aid, moreover revisiting our morals and values for its time-tested efficacy and clairvoyance, in sustaining families as units of excellence and satisfaction.

What can we do as individuals? , a lot, is the answer. We can lead by example for one, and that’s the only way our children will imbibe values for a lifetime, we could start by respecting each other, we can salute the completeness attained when a man and woman join together. A complete entity, with so much diversity in life-skills and traits, could not be attained in a single organism and hence we had to be split (for fans of evolution- we had to evolve) into man and woman. Since we rightly have a women’s day let us complete the circle of goodness by having a men’s day, where we acknowledge the men in our life, be it a father, brother, son, uncle, nephew, friend, grand father, cousin, doctor, boss, anyone who you have thought favourably of, let them know your appreciation, lets keep a day in honour of them too- NOVEMBER 19th – is International Men’s Day.


Anonymous said...

Raised our point here also:

Peace - UK

Anonymous said...

UK Guy says.....


"NRI doctor beaten up for demanding dowry

Friday, 26 October , 2007, 20:15

Patiala (Punjab): A New York-based non-resident Indian (NRI) doctor was arrested here on Friday for demanding a dowry of Rs 50 lakh, but not before he and his family were given a sound thrashing by the bride's side for putting forth such a demand just before the wedding was to commence here.

The doctor, Gurpreet Singh, and his parents were arrested by the Patiala police after the girl's family filed a police complaint.

Singh and his relatives originally hail from Ludhiana district. They have been settled in the US for many years. They were assaulted and beaten up by the bride's family and friends at the Chahal Marriage Palace - an upscale wedding venue - here.

The groom, Gurpreet Singh, received sound thrashing from several relatives and his turban and other finery for the occasion went flying. His father was not spared either.

Total chaos prevailed at the marriage venue where hundreds of guests from both sides had gathered for the wedding. The police were called and they took the groom and his relatives away.

"I thought they would lynch the boy," said a relative who witnessed the scene at the wedding venue.

The bride, a doctor herself, refused to marry Gurpreet after the dowry demand was made on Thursday night. But the bride's family did not call off the wedding ceremony in order to teach the groom and his family a lesson in full public view."



Scenario 1

Many Indians born and brought up in India move to the West and say for example, they acquire USA nationality after 5-6 years. So are naturally called NRIs. But they still carry that Indian bad habit of asking for dowry. So it is as bad as saying that many are born with that habit within the family and their family still wants dowry. They fail to forget that bad habit. That is all bad.

Scenario 2

Then we have other people of Indian origin. They are born away from India and dont ask for dowry and dont believe in taking dowry. It is not in their system. But these guys also get caught in this trap of false accusations from Indian ladies in India, who marry them and within few days ask for divorce after misusing the Indian Penal Code 498A and the threats from under the police roof.

Search at google under "Indian Penal Code 498A and DV Law" to find out more.

Scenario 3

Normally in many other types of serious cases in India, the court asks for fine of 1,000.00 rps, 5,000.00rps, 10,000.00rps from the guilty ones. The fines never seem to run into 100,000.00 and more rps. But many of these Indian ladies from India after marying these NRIs born away from India, misuse the Indian Penal Code 498A and use threats under the police roof and ask for lakhs of rps. Some lawyers also seem to make them settle the cases after asking them to part with large sums of money. Perhaps they also get a share of the money demanded.







UK Guy (NRI not born in India)

Anonymous said...

Having read the above sad news I can say.....

Well it makes people more aware what the law is all about. The uses and the misuses.

Both the man and the lady are highly educated. Seems that more family members from both sides are highly educated. Still to follow this course of action only points the finger in one direction.....Old Indian habit that is taking long to come to an end.

I also feel that the wordings of the Indian Penal Code 498A and the DV Law need quick changes. The intention is right. But to bring in such type of words and rights in the law makes a common man lost for words. In simple terms it can make many feel that the people higher up dont seem to be able to tackle the problems well after recognising it's existence.

Instead of the one sided law, some more education might be a good idea. Otherwise it can be said that..... This Penal code 498A and DV law have been brought in too quickly to slow down any problems men might give to women. Basically it is like a dog chain on a man’s neck after he gets married.


Some of us are victims in the making due to the threats and the misuse of such laws.

Peace - UK (NRI - not born in India)

Anonymous said...

UK Guy Says.....


The Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961

2. Definition of ‘dowry’.- In this Act, "dowry" means any property or valuable security given or agreed to be given either directly or indirectly.

(a) By one party to a marriage to the other party to the marriage, or
(b) By the parent of either party to a marriage or by any other person,, to either party to the marriage or to any other person,

At or before [(Note: Subs. by Act 43 of 1986, sec.2) or any time after the marriage][(Note: Subs. by Act 63 of 1984, sec.2) in connection with the marriage of the said parties, but does not include] dower or mahr in the case or persons to whom the Muslim Personal Law (Shariat) applied.








UK Guy

Anonymous said...

Peace - UK says.....


Why hardly anyone from within India is coming forward to place a comment at this link:-

Whether the man and the family concerned asked for dowry or not, the way they have been treated (beaten) after calling them for the wedding and then having them arrested in that manner is totally out of order. Both parties not having been arrested is also totally out of order. Already there are comments at the topic. I suggest that the Indians from within India also come forward and place their comments.

I can understand that some of us have also been victims/victims in the making of the misuse of the Indian Penal Code 498A in particular. But most of the cases are within Indian….. ie Indian ladies from India troubling Indian men from India.

Still people like me have come forward to place comments and advice and moral support day and night to these innocent victims. Even though many of us have been hurt by similar false accusations, we have been strong enough to give support for the future cause without losing our balance. My self and some others from within India also have put our necks out. I would have thought that some Indian men specially and also ladies would have come forward to place comments. At least to say once again that asking for dowry is not right and the same time tell us that also beating the man and his family members as done in that manner and then having them arrested is also not right.

Please check this link also:-

I thought that we all are working for a common cause to have the Indian Penal Code 498A to start with reworded at least. This is all I would like to say at this stage.

Peace - UK

Anonymous said...

Peace - UK says.....

I said in my comments that taking the law into your own hands is not the answer. In ther USA groom's case, the people rejoiced when the lady's side took the law into heir own hands. I said that time also that the lady's side should also have been arrested to start with. That would have sent the right message to the public. As it seems that they were not arrested, it sort of becomes like an open licence to the people to take the law into their own hands during dowry matters. It is upsetting to see a policeman lose his life and many more injured in such a case.

Peace - UK


This has been read on internet.

"Grooms bashed up for demanding dowry

Posted at Tuesday, 06 November 2007 12:11 IST

Meerut, Nov 6:

One policeman was killed and several others injured when they tried to protect two grooms from angry villagers in Meerut district of Uttar Pradesh.

The grooms - Latafat and Gafoor - and their wedding party were beaten up after they allegedly demanded dowry from the brides’ families.

The angry villagers later exchanged fire with the police when it tried to intervene.

The members of the party are being kept hostage. Reports say the angry villagers beat up Latafat and Gafoor and smeared their faces with black and red ink.

According to the villagers, the father demanded a car and Rs 1 lakh in cash as dowry for each of his sons just before the ceremony began".

Anonymous said...


John Bascom - New Hampton, NH

Name: John Bascom
Comments: This is my real story and my problems. It took place in Nalgonda District, in the town of Suryapet, Andhra Pradesh. My wife's name is Sucharita Yeddu. My name is John Bascom, living in NH near Boston, USA.

I need some wisdom and direction to handle my present marital issues. I am an Indian-American. I was adopted from an orphanages in India to an American family, who were living in the state of New York. After my high school, I wanted to be a Christian social worker and truly provide help for the people of India. I did not want to pursue the "American Dream" with fancy cars and beautiful homes. But instead, I wanted to be a Christian Social worker. I went to India right after my high school graduation which is equivalent to a junior college in India. In 1994, I went to India not knowing what to expect. I was in a shock!! At first, I thought that I landed on a different planet. I did not know the language, the culture, the mindset or the social values of India. Everything in India was exciting, interesting and fascinating. I made sincere effort to know adjust despite many hardships and struggles.
I traveled to India on a tourist visa with my American Passport. Let me tell you I was not an ordinary tourist. I was interested in real India. Who is India? Where do they come from? And how can I be of help to these people? I wanted to go to the root of the issues in order to help me to understand India which would equip me to be an effective Christian social worker in India. I worked with few Christian organizations and came across many of them. My work included among many things sharing the love of God, cleaning slum sewage systems, helping orphan children, educating children, medical clinics, having orphan girls live in our own home and other events. I truly enjoyed living and working in India. Over the years of working in India, I was able to learn the language, ride mopeds, motorcycles, and even drive cars in the Indian traffic. That is a work. I was living like an Indian but deep down I was an American with a brown skin trying to help these people. Trust me, it was an absolute adventure.
I went through the arranged marriage in India. I was married on June of 1998. That was very fascinating and very color wedding with nearly 900 guests. I followed the Indian official procedure and customs in regards to the wedding. As a westerner and a Christian social worker, I wanted to help a woman in India through marriage. In return, I would get lots of knowledge, insight, direction about the culture and understanding into my social work. I would build a family and an effective cross-cultural marriage life. At the time of my marriage, I don't know the language of India and very limited understanding of the culture. This decision was a blind leap of faith and full of adventure. When I heard about the dowry, it was very distasteful to me and it was an unfamiliar concept to me. I couldn't grasp as to why anyone would take dowry. I did not take any dowry. I wanted to be a blessing to an Indian woman. I thought people around me would truly appreciate my heart and follow a similar suit. That is a wishful thinking on my part.
On June of 2007, I had to evacuate the country with my daughter at the advice of my close Indian friend from the city of Hyderabad. I left everything in India. I bought a round trip ticket for me and a one way ticket for my daughter, who was born in America. My wife of nine years was having an affair with a staff for over three years in our own house. We went for counseling but she refused to listen to the counsel. In this entire process, I was very confused and totally lost. I didn't know to handle it. I have many witnesses but many of them are afraid to speak up I found pornography CD in the house, I found love letters, witnesses in the community, witness of my girls in the home, witnesses of my own family in the America and the witnesses of my American friends who had come over to visit me in India.
We shared our home with twelve other orphan girls from tribal, Hindu, Christian and Muslim background. I wanted to see these girls grow up and educated in India, married without any dowry and become an honorable contributing member of the Indian society. Although some of our staff, our friends and family wanted me to be careful about my wife but they weren't open and totally up-front with me about the issues. If they were blunt, I would have listened. But instead they were too unclear in conveying the message to me about my wife's character. My wife always did and said things to make me believe her side of the story. She was a very clever woman. I was raised to believe the best of everyone, to love everyone, and not to find fault with people. I was a loving, compassionate, sincere social worker who made lots of personal sacrifices to help the people of India.
My wife in India has filed cases for kidnapping my own daughter, dowry case, documents missing, and that I was mentally, sexually and emotionally harassing her. I find that all too hard to believe. Unbelievable!!! She has been bribing officials, threatening witnesses, making up stories, brain washing kids and continuing the affair. Wow……. It is pathetic. She has included my biological parents, siblings and relatives names in the case. How can an Indian court accept the names of my biological parents and sibling names even though they are not legally my relatives? Remember, I am adopted and I am an American with American parents. This is bizarre!!1… A lot of people including Divisional Superintend of Police and the town police chief know about wife's adultery life style and many people in town.
What do I do now? Where is justice? It looks like if you have lots of money, you can do and get away with anything in India. My wife has nearly $80,000 worth of our mission property registered in her name and she is still running the orphanage. Oh by the way, I had to be vasectomy operation so that we don't have to children because she had narrow valve heart operation. I paid for the operation. In fact, I paid for everything in her life. I mean everything. All the household things are her name, the house is her name, the mission is in her name, I had a vasectomy operation, I financially helped her family and she has the affair and she still keeps everything….
The man that my wife was having an affair with is G.Prabhudas. Interestingly, Prabhu means Lord and Das means servant in the Telugu language. This man has a history of having affairs from a young age. The town of Suryapet has many Hiv and Aids patients. Many people go to big cities to work as sex workers from this region. Since my wife has been sexually involved with him, I am afraid there are chances for Aids. I am going to have an Aids test. Not only that, my wife was plotting to kill me. My life was miraculously saved in India. I have greater appreciation for the people of India. It is so difficult to believe how they live from day to day with so much corruption and mistrust.

Any ways, I was scheduled to return to India but my family in the US and my lawyer, friends, and family in India are informing me not to come to India. But I want to go to India. I love the people and I want to continue to help them. I miss my children, family and friends. I raised the orphan children as my own children. They used to address me as "Dad" and my wife as "Mom".
Right now, I do not have enough money to even a post bail for my family members in India. I am not able to concentrate on any job. This is a huge disappointment. It is a real shame for India. I am 32 years old and I invested about 13 years of my life in India.
If anyone is interested in seriously investigating this case, I would provide contact information to contact my lawyer, my family and friends both in the US and in India. Thank you for your help. Blessings to you.

With Love,
John Bascom




Hi John. You went in with good intentions. You invested so much also. From what I have read from your points, It seems that the money you have spent will not be used for the cause you had planned. Probably your partner will also not get a fair share of the proceeds. These sort of relationships planned by cheating life partners at times have many more behind the scene. They all share.

If you have managed to leave that place with all your own children, then you might as well bring them up in USA.

A guy in UK who went there had similar plans. But not the plan to invest like you have done. His idea was to work free at such type of established places and be able to do so much for the needy children. He had plans to put in about 3-4 hours of his life daily to start with to give that support to the needy children and give them hope. It was supposed to be his seva/selfless service. That plan was from the bottom of his heart. He thought that he had found a genuine partner and so was over the moon for his future life in India. There was going to be so much good life for her also in the plan, he had thought. Then all went sour. The dirty plan and the people behind the scene who had organised so much there started to come to light. A well planned job they had. The relationship was to be there and not there if she chose it that way. That was the cheating paper work set up from their side. He was not going to have much say in that false and cheating surrounding. So that person is now back in UK…..HAPPY & SAD(hope you understand the feeling). Now he helps to give support to many such cases from this far away land after trying his best to forget what happened to him. This actually keeps him happy. How can he travel to India when there are some there waiting to grab him and tear him to pieces in the name of the false accusations they have planned. They could not actually get their dirty rocket off the ground. People say that God saved that Guy. The Guy also feels the same finally but all this has made his life very sad indeed. His plan was something else and what actually happened is all this you have read here. I knew that one day a case similar to his one will appear here. After reading what happened to you, I decided to tell you that you are not the only one. Human Being UK.


Anonymous said...

UK Guy says.....

My taking part will be genuine and from the bottom of the heart for this good cause.

Many thanx CRUISERDEEP for placing the required comments here. I am very much a part of this good cause. I can be more closer as time goes.......... Peace - UK/UK Guy ..... at times no name/other id placed for maximum impact .....ok? :) Hope you understand.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

This lady Gomez-Mehta has placed this comment at this link. I have replied there. Any comments from others to go there so she knows the reality?

This is what she said there:


Why is nearly every single post done by one person? I've paged through this entire topic, and someone in UK has too much time and bitterness on his hands.

If even 1% of men were hurt by this law it still wouldn't touch the 70% of innocent Indian women who are abused at the hands of their husbands daily.

I can see one thing about Indian men- they are scared sh it less to give even an ounce of power to a woman to protect herself. They know that women are the stronger sex, and if they give her any power then they can never abuse her again.

To whoever retard it is that keeps posting over and over again, don't you think that nobody will take you seriously, as you look too much like a mental patient?"

She said that on page 7 at that link.

Any comments from others to go there so she knows the reality?

UK Guy